Fleeting Thoughts
by Ivvic
Summary: It's about Matt and what he's going through. Taito!!!!! Do enjoy. Ta! ~vicci
1. Fleeting Thoughts

Tai leaned back against the tree thinking about a certain pair of eyes. The owner was normally so cold and distance, but once you really began to know him you could read his eyes.  
  
Tai would never cease to be amazed at how deep the beautiful blue eyes could get when Matt was happy. But whenever he was sad or upset a wall went up behind them.  
  
It always hurt Tai to see Matt so closed off. Lately Matt's eyes were constantly walled off. Occasionally you could see a flicker of something like shadows behind a smoke screen but that was it.  
  
Tai sighed and squirmed to get into a more comfortable position. He let his own eyes drift close as he imagined making Matt's eye's light up in joy.  
  
Matt watched as Tai's breathing evened out and he fell asleep.  
  
Matt had gone out there to think and had climbed the tree for privacy. So no one could see his tears if they wandered out to where he was. He had been really surprised when Tai had collapsed underneath his tree, apparently deep in thought  
  
Matt hadn't been able to move for fear he might make a noise and Tai would look up and discover him.  
  
Now that Tai had gone asleep he scrubbed the tears off his face, angry with himself. Matt wished he knew what was wrong with him, he had been so depressed lately. Feeling completely hallow, and knowing it was wrong.   
  
This wasn't just being unhappy, it was forgetting what happiness was. The worst part was that Mat knew it was getting worse everyday and there was nothing he could do about it. He could feel himself sinking deeper and deeper into a black, colorless abyss.  
  
Matt hated thinking about it, but it was hard not to when it was starting to affect his daily life. He had been able to escape the emptiness while singing or playing the harmonica, but that had lost all meaning to him.  
  
Matt spent a lot of his time alone, worried that someone would be around when he started crying. He cried a lot those days, as if trying to fill up the hole inside of him with tears. But the hole just kept growing to accommodate the tears.  
  
Still the tears brought a small relief with them, because if he could cry that must mean that he could still feel and there was something inside of him other then the yawning pit. He wished Tai would wake up and leave so he could go home and cry in piece with out worrying about the boy below him.  
  
Unbidden tears welled up n his eyes and started dripping down his face. He shifted his weight in faint irritation and to his horror his foot dislodged a few twigs and small branches.  
  
To Matt the falling sticks sounded like they crashed to the ground instead of the small rustling sound that they really made. He sucked in a sharp breath as he saw one of the twigs land on Tai.  
  
Tai jerked awake as something fell on him. He laughed at himself when he realized that it was just a twig. Probably knocked down by a squirrel or something.  
  
He sat up and stretched widely, titling his head back in a yawn. For a second he thought he had seen somebody in the branches above him but that was so ridiculous he didn't even bother a second glance upwards.  
  
Tai's stomach grumbled at him and he checked his watch seeing that it was a quarter past four. He headed home to get a snack to tide him over until dinner.  
  
Matt heaved a sigh of relieve as Tai disappeared from sight. He climbed down from the tree, dropping the last few feet and landing on his hands and knees. He stood up and brushed himself off and headed to his own house.  
  
Matt let himself into his house and went to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. As he was drying off the water someone knocked on the door. He wondered faintly who it might be as he walked to let them in.  
  
"Hey Matt!" TK said loudly as he threw his arms around Matt's waist. Matt patted his little brother on the shoulder as he looked at his mother.  
  
"Your father invited TK over for dinner, why do you look so surprised? Isn't he home? Didn't he tell you?" his mother asked peering into the house looking slightly worried.  
  
"It's okay," he assured his mother wondering if his dad had told him and he had just forgotten. "You can stay for dinner too if you want," he offered politely.  
  
"No thank you, I think I might enjoy a quiet evening at home," she said with a hint of a smile tugging at her lips.  
  
"Hey!" TK protested pretending to be offended.  
  
Matt cooked dinner for them while they waited for their father to get home.  
  
When the boys heard the door open TK rushed to hug his father. Matt stayed in the kitchen glad for the few moments of peace.  
  
Matt absolutely adored his little brother but he was having problems stomaching his enthusiasm. He could hear his brother's excited voice relating all the events of his day to his dad.  
  
Matt wasn't sure he could ever remember being that excited his dad had finally made it home. His dad made his way to the kitchen with his arm wrapped around TK's shoulder.  
  
"Sorry I'm late. I meant to get here early today but things at the office got really," he started to explain.  
  
"It's ok," Matt cut in. He knew all of the reasons his dad got home late. He had a last minute deadline, traffic was bad, meetings had run late. He had heard them all at least a dozen times.  
  
"Are you sure?" his dad asked.  
  
"Yeah. Set the table, this should be ready in about ten minutes."  
  
"What is it? It smells great," his dad said as he grabbed some plates.  
  
"It's stir fry," TK announced. "I helped make some!"  
  
"Did you now?" his dad asked smiling. "Two cooks. I'm going to a very happy old man."  
  
Normally Matt would have said some teasing remark, like aren't you already, but he just couldn't get up the energy to make the effort,  
  
When the dinner was finally on the table TK and their father dug in with such vigor you would have thought they hadn't seen food in about a week or so.  
  
"This is really good, my compliments to the chefs," Matt's dad said.  
  
"Aren't you going to eat any?" TK asked Matt. He had noticed his brother was just poking his food with his fork, moving it around his plate.  
  
"I'm not really that hungry, I must have eaten too much at lunch," Matt lied. He hadn't eaten lunch at all. He just hadn't been in the mood to eat and he still wasn't.  
  
Matt noticed his father watching him closely, as if trying to decide whether Matt was lying or not.  
  
"I don't want to catch you digging in the freezer for ice cream later," he said after a minute.  
  
Matt agreed doubting he would want to eat then either.  
  
His father did the dishes that night after TK went home and was surprised to find Matt already in bed when by the time he was finished.  
  
He stood in Matt's doorway for a couple of minutes watching his son sleep, turning every so often  
  
The next day Matt got out of bed groggily and pulled on a shirt when the door to his room opened.  
  
"Matt, if you aren't feeling well you can stay home from school today,' Matt's father said knowing full well that Matt wasn't going to admit he was feeling sick unless he was on the floor heaving.  
  
"Thanks dad," Matt muttered. He flopped back onto the bed without bothering to take the shirt off.  
  
"Try and eat something later today if you feel up to it,' his dad said before leaving. He didn't want to be late to work.  
  
Matt didn't even hear his father leave, he was already asleep again.  
  
Half an hour later someone banged loudly on the front door. It took Matt a second to realize it was probably Tai who normally waited for Matt to meet him outside of the building.  
  
Matt stumbled out of the bed, blinking to clear his sight.  
  
"Hey Tai," he yawned after opening the door.  
  
"Aren't you coming to school today?" Tai asked looking Matt over and tried not to appear to be checking him out. Matt was just wearing his boxers and a shirt that looked relatively clean.  
  
"No, sorry, I should have called to let you know," Matt said, trying to offer an apologetic smile that came out as more of a grimace.  
  
"I'll see you later then. Maybe I'll head by after school," Tai said before turning to leave.  
  
"Good-bye Taichi," Matt called after him. Matt's voice sent chills down Tai's spine. It seemed final.  
  
Matt spent a good deal of the rest of the day sleeping. When he finally woke up enough to get out of bed he made his way over to the living room.  
  
He wondered what to do. If he felt like eating he might have gone into the kitchen but he didn't really feel like doing anything. He sat on the couch with the TV remote in his hand but he didn't turn the set on.  
  
Matt spent the next hour or so trying to figure out what he wanted to do. He didn't bother thinking about the rest of the afternoon.  
  
He needed to do something that would affect him for quite sometime. He wanted to get rid of the spot in him that made him feel like there was more emptiness then him in him.  
  
Finally he came to a decision. 


	2. Fleeting Thoughts

Part Two  
  
If Matt had looked into the mirror at that moment he would have seen the resolve, determination and defeat in his stance. He had to make a choice, and that's what he had done.  
  
Matt wasn't sure if he had made the right choice, but soon enough it just wouldn't matter.  
  
Taking a deep breath he held out his arm, his hand balled into a fist, in front of him. He raised his other arm and took a second to steady his hand.  
  
Someone knocked on his front door and a surge of panic went through him. He looked around the bathroom hurriedly wondering what he was going to do.  
  
"Matt?" a voice yelled through the door. "You home?"  
  
Matt swallowed tightly and tightened his resolve further. He brought his hand holding the knife down on his wrist. Unable to stop himself he let out a cry of pain.  
  
At the door Tai was getting worried. He knew Matt was home and wondered why he wasn't coming to the door. Maybe Matt was mad at him. Tai wasn't going to just stand around. He had been wondering if Matt was mad at him for a week or so now and he wanted to find out the truth.  
  
Tai put his hand to the doorknob and was slightly surprised when it turned easily in his hand. Normally Matt liked to have the door locked.  
  
Tai was about to call out to Matt again when he heard a cry of pain. He headed towards the back of the apartment where he thought it had come from.  
  
"Matt? Are you ok? Where are you Matt? Matt? Its Tai."  
  
Tai paused looking around in the small hallway feeling more then slightly panicked.  
  
Matt backed up the few steps until his back was against the wall. He clutched the back of his wrist, not touching the open wound and letting the blood flow freely down his arm.  
  
Matt slid down the wall so his knees were drawn up against his chest and ignored Tai's panicked yells. Matt barely realized it as tears began streaming down his face, feeling almost as warm as the blood.  
  
Tai heard sobs coming from behind the door to his left.  
  
"Matt, is that you?" he demanded banging on the door. He didn't get any answer but he could tell without a doubt the cries were coming from behind that door. After a minute he remembered that it was the bathroom.  
  
"Matt? Are you ok? Come to the door or I'm coming in."  
  
"Go away," a thick, slurred voice that Tai could just make out as Matt's yelled.  
  
"Open up!" Tai demanded loudly. When Matt didn't open the door he tried the knob, not surprised to find it locked. He backed up as far as he could in the limited space and threw his full weight into the door. It burst open under the attack.  
  
"Matt!!" Tai yelled in horror. "What've you done to your self? Wait here, I'll get help."  
  
"No," Matt whispered, slowly shaking his head. He didn't want any help. He had made his decision. He couldn't live with the emptiness inside of his anymore.  
  
Tai gave Matt a funny look before rushing to the phone where he dialed the hospital.  
  
"You have to send an ambulance over here!" he yelled at the nurse he got a hold of.  
  
"What's the problem?" she asked in a slightly bored tone.  
  
"My friend just cut his wrist," Tai told her, feeling stunned. Now that he said the words it made it real. Matt had tried to... he shook his head stubbornly pushing the thoughts out of his head.  
  
He rattled off the address to the lady and told her to hurry before hanging up on her. He ran back to the bathroom and found Matt sitting in the exact same position he had been when he had run to get help.  
  
Tai roughly grabbed Matt's arm and wrapped a towel around it tightly to slow the flow of blood. Tai couldn't believe how much blood there was.  
  
"Why'd you do this to yourself?" Tai asked in a subdued voice that contrasted with the loud upset voice that he had been using earlier.  
  
"Leave me alone," Matt muttered trying to pull his arm away from Tai. His muscles didn't seem to be working anymore, they had turned to molasses.  
  
"Did I do something wrong Matt?" Tai asked dreading the answer. He had pulled away from Matt about a month ago, realizing something that he never wanted to share with Matt and it had hurt their friendship quite badly.  
  
Matt was shocked. Tai had never done anything wrong. No one had. Everything was Matt's fault because there was something wrong deep inside of him.  
  
Tai watched Matt's face closely wishing he would answer and feeling horrible for being so selfish.  
  
Matt's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he slumped forward. Tai caught Matt in his arms and nearly forgot to keep pressure on Matt's wrist.  
  
Matt was dying in his arms. Tai bent his head over Matt, beginning to sob. The paramedics came and took Matt from Tai and rushed him to the hospital.  
  
*~&~  
  
Tai sat in Matt's living room, blood still on him, waiting for Matt's father to get home from work. Tai had no sense of the time that passed but it was probably a few hours before Matt's dad got home.  
  
"Tai, can I help you?" Matt's dad asked. "What happened?" he demanded once he saw the blood.  
  
"Matt tried to kill himself," Tai said, surprised at home calm he sounded. "I found him right after he had cut on wrist and called the ambulance. They took him to the hospital. I would have called you but I didn't know how to get your number and Matt had already passed out."  
  
"Oh God. He tried to kill himself?" Matt's father looked like he wanted to find the nearest chair and collapse. After a second he pulled himself together.  
  
"Go wash the blood off of you, borrow some of Matt's clothes if you need to. We are going to the hospital. You can call your mother to let her know where you are on my cell phone on the way."  
  
Tai nodded and went into the bathroom and washed off the blood and grabbed one of Matt's shirts and was out the door with Tai's father.  
  
  
K people, i don't particuallarly care if you comment, but the next part depends on you people. Should Matt live or what? Ta! 


	3. Fleeting Thoughts

Part Three  
  
The trip to the hospital was blurred for Tai and he didn't really notice any of his surroundings until they were at the receptionist desk trying to find out if Matt was okay or not.  
  
"Sir, if you could please calm down, it will only take a minute to find out which room he is in if he's in a room. Oh, Doctor, can you talk with this man please? He was in the ER when your son came in," she told Matt's dad.  
  
"The young boy who cut his wrist?" the doctor asked. Matt's dad nodded.  
  
"Is he going to be all right?"  
  
"Yes, he's sleeping off the anesthetics in a hospital room right, now. You can go see him in room 541," he said to Tai. "I'd like to talk to you a minute longer though."  
  
"All right," Matt's father said, the relief that his son was all right evident on his face.  
  
"I think that you should take your son to see a specialists, a psychiatrist so he can get the proper help that he needs. I could recommend one for if you like."  
  
"That would be nice," Matt's father responded with a slight frown.  
  
"You might want to keep tabs on him, like always have someone with him to make sure that he doesn't try to kill himself again."  
  
"Yes, that's something I definitely plan on doing."  
  
"Good, be sure and talk with him. Try to help him aside from the doctor, see why he tried to kill himself. This isn't something that can just be fixed up and then left alone."  
  
"I understand that. Thank you doctor."  
  
"Your welcome. Whenever you feel ready talk to one of the nurses to get the release forms for your son and you can take him home. Here are some numbers of some good child psychologists. Good night."  
  
"Bye."  
  
*~&~  
  
Tai stood uncertainly in the doorway of Matt's room, debating whether or not he should go in. Taking a deep breath he walked through the thresh hold and stood next to Matt's bed, waiting for Matt to wake up.  
  
Tai jumped in shock when Matt suddenly spoke.  
  
"You never did anything," Matt said after a minute, seeming to know what was on Tai's mind. "Although don't think I haven't noticed that you were already going through my stuff when you weren't sure I was dead yet," he teased.  
  
Tai made a weak attempt at a smile,  
  
"Why'd you do it?" he asked in a hushed voice. Matt didn't answer for a while.  
  
"It was the only thing I could do," Matt said heavily, turning his face away from Tai's. Matt was about to say more but his dad came in and he stopped.  
  
"Matt, I'm so glad your OK," his father said grasping Matt's shoulder and squeezing it tightly.  
  
"Yeah, I guess," Matt said shrugging, making his dad frown.  
  
"Matt, don't ever try that again," he said sternly. "It was stupid. I'm going to get you some help and we'll all help you through this. I'm sure your mother will be more then willing to help in whatever way she can too."  
  
"You called mom?" Matt asked turning to look his father in the eye.  
  
"Yes I did, just now. You are her son, she deserves to know if you pull a stunt like this."  
  
"So she'll be coming? Is TK going to be with her?" he asked.   
  
Matt didn't want to worry his little brother, and he knew that TK wouldn't enjoy coming to see his big brother in the hospital.  
  
"I don't know, you'll find out when I do."   
  
Matt's father was mentally kicking himself. His son had just tried to kill himself, so he shouldn't be yelling at Matt like he was. He just didn't know what else to do.  
  
"OK. When are they going to let me out?" Matt asked idly.  
  
"We can leave whenever your ready, all I have to do is fill out the release forms."  
  
"Can you go do that then?" Matt asked.  
  
"Yeah, meet me out in the reception area," he said seeing that Matt wanted to talk to Tai privately. Unfortunately he didn't get that chance because his mother and TK came bursting into the room.  
  
"Oh Matt, thank god your OK," TK sobbed throwing himself onto Matt, who was just starting to get out of the bed.  
  
"I'm fine," he said reassuringly, patting TK on the back.  
  
"Matt, don't ever try something like that again, you might seriously hurt yourself," his mother scolded hugging him tightly so that TK was pressed in-between them.  
  
Matt had to bite back a smile, his mother seemed to be forgetting the fact that that had been the whole idea. He hadn't just slashed at his wrist for amusement and accidentally gotten to close and cut himself.  
  
After a second he didn't have to worry about smiling because he was caught up in a jaw-splitting yawn.  
  
"Oh, you must be so tired after your ordeal. Let's get you home so you can sleep," his mother gasped out, tightening her hold on Matt.  
  
"Mom, you don't have to come home with me, I'll be fine."  
  
"Don't leave me," TK begged, not quite sure what was going on but knowing that he didn't want to be separated from his brother.  
  
"Why don't you and Tai spend the night in Matt's room?" his dad suggested.  
  
"I'm sure my mom'll be OK with it as long as I let her know," Tai offered. Matt nodded, and it was soon decided that the three boys would be bunking together that night.  
  
Matt's mom hugged Matt some more and tried to show the tears that simply begged to be let out as Matt's father dealt with the paper work of insurance and the release forms. Tai slipped away for a minute to call his mother and let her know what was going on. 


	4. Fleeting Thoughts

Part 4  
  
In Matt's room that night TK lay in the bed while the older boys were on the floor. TK was the only one asleep and his soft snores filled the room.  
  
Tai lay staring at a wall, trying to think of something to say to Matt. He knew Matt was awake even though he couldn't see him and it was a little past midnight. In Tai's peripheral vision the clock's red glowing numbers changed from 12:13 to 12:14.  
  
Matt stared blankly up at his ceiling. He felt kind of numb. He had tried to kill himself that afternoon, but fate hadn't allowed it to happen, so he probably shouldn't try again, right? He didn't know.  
  
He still felt the same as he had before. Nothing had changed. He didn't really care whether he decided to kill himself or never tried it again. It just didn't seem to matter to him, although he knew it should matter.  
  
He could hear the rustling of blankets as Tai shifted around. Matt knew that what he had done had made Tai really uncomfortable. He wondered vaguely if he should say something to him to make him feel better.  
  
"Are you going to try that again?" Tai asked softly so not to disturb TK.  
  
"I don't know," Matt said truthfully. If he couldn't find another way to get rid of the emptiness inside of him he might, but it would be awhile before he did it again.  
  
Tai sighed softly, he just couldn't understand what was going on with Matt. He wished he could help. Tai wasn't used to this helpless feeling. Whenever there was a problem he fixed it, or helped to fix it so things could move on. But there wasn't a thing he could do this time.  
  
The boys were silent a while longer, not quite knowing what to say. Tai sighed to himself again.  
  
"Matt, if you ever need to talk, you can always talk to me. Just so you know."  
  
"Thank you Tai," Matt said feeling a little shocked at the statement. Matt was even more surprised when he felt a little stirring in his chest. He smiled when he recognized the feeling. It was a little spark of contentment and happiness.  
  
Maybe he could get better after all.  
  
"Goodnight Tai," Matt sad softly.  
  
"'Night."  
  
The next morning Matt woke up before the others. He sat up and quietly left his room. He went into the kitchen and started poking around the cupboards looking to see what they had.  
  
Matt found that they had the makings for French Toast and went to it. Soon the scent of sizzling French Toast was throughout the kitchen.  
  
Tai woke up and was surprised to find himself lying on the floor. He wondered where he was. After a second he remembered he was in Matt's room and another few seconds later he remembered why.  
  
Tai felt a surge of panic when he saw the rumpled, empty blankets next to him. Where had Matt gone. He got up and started towards the front of the house looking for his friend.  
  
A wave of relief crashed over him as he entered the kitchen where he could smell something delicious being cooked. Matt didn't notice Tai standing in the doorway to the kitchen and for a few minutes Tai just watched.  
  
Matt noticed one of the drawers was half-open so he went to close it. When he saw the contents he just stood there. He could see the gleaming silver of the knifes, they seemed to be beckoning him.  
  
Matt's hand reached into the drawer on it's own accord and he was surprised to see that he was gripping a black handled knife tightly. He could see the glinting light on the serrated edge, seeming to mock him.  
  
Tai stared in horror as Matt pulled a knife out of a drawer. Matt just stood there for a few minutes, seeming to weigh between decisions, and Tai was frozen to the spot.  
  
Matt breathed in deeply and forced himself to put the knife back into the drawer and shut it firmly. He let out a shuddering breath and when he flipped a piece of toast he saw that his hands were shaking.  
  
Matt was scared at the deep desire that he had just felt. He had wanted to cut himself. Not to kill himself. But just a small little cut. He remembered how good he had felt when he had cut his wrist yesterday. It had hurt a lot, his wrist still hurt beneath the bandage, but the pain had swept away the emptiness.  
  
Just that sweet second of bliss.  
  
Tai heaved a sigh of relief when Matt put the knife away. He hadn't even noticed that he had been holding his breath.  
  
"Are you OK?" Tai asked Matt. Matt jumped, and turned around almost guiltily to face Tai.  
  
"I'm fine," Matt lied. He was far from it. He was still trying to push thoughts of the knife away from him. He didn't notice it but a fine trembling had taken over his whole body.  
  
"Don't lie," Tai said leading Matt to a chair at the dinning room table.  
  
"The toast's going to burn," Matt protested weakly.  
  
"I'll take care of that, you stay sitting." Matt nodded knowing that if he didn't stay sitting Tai would turn off the stove and then sit on top of him.  
  
Tai continued to cook the toast keeping a wary eye on Matt.  
  
"So what's up?" he asked trying not to sound like he was prying. Matt shrugged and tried to think of how to respond to that without making Tai worry more.  
  
"I don't know, just stuff. It's like," he trailed off not knowing how to put it into words.  
  
"Last night when I saw you in the hospital you said you did it because it was the only thing you could do. Why? What was so bad you had to do... to do that?"  
  
"I, I wanted to make this feeling inside of me," Matt said slowly.  
  
"What feeling?" Tai asked softly not wanting to rush Matt, knowing that if he did Matt would clam up and start pushing him away.  
  
"Actually, it's not really a feeling. There's nothing," Matt's mouth snapped shut as TK came into the room and crawled onto a chair closely followed by his father.  
  
"Morning," TK said, his voice still thick with sleep. He rubbed tiredly at his eyes before waving to Matt. Matt was surprised that TK had even bothered pulling back on his clothes from yesterday. His dad of course was fully dressed in the only way he knew how, for the office.  
  
But his dad couldn't be going to work after what had happened last night could he? Matt knew very well that it was entirely possible, his dad was the classic case of a workaholic.  
  
"Morning," Matt repeated.  
  
"What are you cooking?" his dad asked Tai. Matt hoped Tai wouldn't say anything about how he had taken over cooking for Matt.  
  
"French Toast," Tai said wishing that Mr. Ishida hadn't interrupted them. That was the second time that Matt had nearly told him what his problem was.  
  
Matt wasn't that happy that his dad had come in. He felt the intrusion quite deeply, and it surprised him. Normally he got on all right with his dad but now it seemed like he was a stranger who kept following him.  
  
Tai served the toast and Matt got out some syrup and set it onto the table, staring at it in an almost angry manner.  
  
Breakfast wasn't too bad of an ordeal although Matt really hated the looks his father kept shooting him. Piercing, penetrating looks and a few times Matt felt sure his father knew something. It took him a few seconds to realize how stupid that was. There wasn't any really big secret he was hiding from his father. It wasn't like he was doing drugs or anything.  
  
TK watched his brother worriedly as he ate his French toast. His brother seemed kind of shaky, like when ever they had been fighting one of the evil digimon and it looked like even their best was nothing against Lord Myotismon or whoever. He wanted to tell Matt it'd be all right but it felt sort of weird.  
  
Matt was supposed to be the one comforting him. Grown-ups didn't have problems. After a second TK realized just how young Matt really was. He was still just a kid no matter how grown up he acted.  
  
TK poked his fork at his toast some more before finally spearing it and eating it. Life was just too confusing sometimes.   
  
When Matt and Tai were clearing the plates off the table the phone rang breaking the silence that had settled in and causing everyone to jump.  
  
Mr. Ishida stood up from the table and answered the phone, moving into the other room for some more privacy.  
  
Matt frowned as his father came back into the room with a look of regret on his face.  
  
"Matt," he said with a sigh. "That was the office. I'm sorry but I have to go in."  
  
"It's fine dad," Matt said. Tai shot him a look, hearing the anger in Matt's that he was trying to mask.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes dad. Just go." Matt just sounded tired now. Tai felt his own anger boil up at Mr. Ishida.  
  
"I'll take you home TK. You'll stay here with Matt, won't you Tai?"  
  
"Of course," Tai said a little curtly, surprising Matt.  
  
"I'll get my stuff then. Wanna help me Matt?" Matt quickly realized that TK wanted to talk to him, it was especially easy since TK didn't have any stuff over there, they hadn't gone to either of their homes to collect any things.  
  
"What is it?" Matt asked TK feeling slightly apprehensive of what his little brother might say.  
  
"I just wanted to let you know it'll turn out OK soon enough. So just give it some time and don't do anything stupid," TK commanded. Matt felt an amused smile tug at his lips and was very happy to know it was there.  
  
"Thanks TK," he said drawing his brother into a big hug. TK looked pleased with himself and grabbed his hat off the floor before going to meet his dad to leave.  
  
TK called a good-bye into the house as Mr. Ishida closed the door, which was the only announcement that they were leaving. 


	5. Fleeting Thoughts

Part 5  
  
Matt got up off his bed and went out to see what Tai was up to.  
  
Surprisingly enough Tai was starting to clean up. Matt silently started helping him. They were about halfway done; with Matt scrubbing and Tai rinsing and then drying.  
  
"What were you going to say earlier?" Tai asked breaking the silence that lay between them. Matt paused in his scrubbing and thought for a second before continuing.  
  
"I was saying, that I wanted to get ride of this… thing inside of me." Matt was struggling with the words, not sure how to put it regardless of all the times he had dwelled on that subject.  
  
Matt was normally the one that pushed every one away, he certainly never talked about his feelings. Nobody really cared anyway. Tai knew that Matt had problems talking about things that were really bothering him, deep down so he didn't push Matt. Well not to hard in any case.  
  
"What kind of thing?" he prodded.  
  
"An emptiness."  
  
"An emptiness?" Tai questioned not quite sure what Matt meant.  
  
"An emptiness," Matt said again as he searched for the right words to describe it. "A yawning pit deep inside of, completely void of all emotions. It's more like a black hole. Spreading and growing continuously, destroying all emotion, every feeling and leaving me reduced to meaningless tears."  
  
Tears started streaming down his face during the middle of his rant. Matt threw a plate that he had just washed at the wall in his anger and shards went flying every which direction.  
  
Tai ducked as he saw the sharps flying towards him, raising an arm to protect his face. He yelled at Matt and pulled him away from the counter when he saw the he hadn't moved at all.  
  
Tai sat Matt down on one of the chairs and started looking him over for cuts. Matt jerked his arm away from Tai's hands and turned to face the other direction, scrubbing furiously at the tears.  
  
"I know you think I'm a freak. Just leave and let me deal with it on my own," Matt spat out sounding ashamed of himself.  
  
"You are not a freak," Tai said firmly moving to squat in front of Matt. "You're just depressed. You should get help. It happens to lots of people and they have medicine for it now."  
  
Matt was surprised by what Tai had said. 'It happens to lots of people.' That meant he wasn't the only one. He couldn't believe how good it felt to know he wasn't some side show freak who shouldn't exist along side the normal creatures that could feel like they were supposed to.  
  
Matt was also surprised to see true concern shinning along with tears in Tai's eyes.  
  
"Why do you care?" he asked, not as a biting comment meant to make Tai leave him alone. But as a true question, he really wanted to know.  
  
Tai pulled back from Matt, standing and beginning to pace somewhat. He seemed afraid to say what he was about to.  
  
"Because I'm the freak," he sad bitterly. "I'm in love with you Matt." 


	6. Fleeting Thoughts

Here's part 6 and since it's so short i threw in part 7 for extra. Enjoy.  
  
  
Part 6  
  
Matt was stunned. Tai was in love with him. TAI was in love with him. Nobody cared about him, so how could Tai be in love with him? It wasn't possible, but there, Tai had just said it.  
  
Tai was in love with him.  
  
Tai blinked back tears as he stared pointedly at a spot on the wall. Matt was not reacting like he would have hoped. Well at least he was screaming and yelling, throwing things and throwing a general fit as he demanded Tai leave his house. Or forcefully escorting him out for that matter.  
  
Just how did he expect Matt to react? He berated himself. Matt had just admitted to him that he didn't feel anything anymore. The boy had just tried to kill himself, of course he wasn't jumping for joy.  
  
Tai let his gaze stray from the wall for a second as he sneaked a peak at Matt to try and get a sense of what the other boy was feeling.  
  
Tai was elated when he saw that walls the walls that had become permanent residents in Matt's blue eyes weren't there. Instead there was something like shock, and child like wondering.  
  
"Tai, I don't love you. I don't think I could love anyone right now if I wanted to, but I do like you. You are the only person that remotely cares about me other then TK."  
  
"You don't have to love me Matt. But we have to stay friends so I can help you pull through your depression," Tai said happy for the first time since he had discovered Matt's suicide attempt.  
  
"Thank you," Matt said simply with the beginnings of a smile in his voice.  
  
Part 7  
  
The boys were both sitting in the living room, slumped on the couch staring in silence at the TV that they hadn't bothered to turn on. Faintly they could hear the radio that Tai had left on in Matt's room.  
  
A cold breeze snaked into the room and brushed up against the boys, making them shiver.  
  
"Dude, it's cold in here," Tai said as he rubbed at his arms and got up to close the window that had apparently been open since the day before. Neither of them remembered seeing anyone touching it.  
  
"So get dressed," Matt said and for the first time they realized that they were only wearing the boxers they had slept in. Matt hadn't wanted to wake up the other boys by getting his clothes so he hadn't bothered with it. Tai had rushed out in panic when he found Matt missing and hadn't thought of it since.  
  
"I guess I should," Tai said with a laugh.  
  
"You could always wait a while," Matt suggested. "I like the look."  
  
Tai blushed faintly and laughed harder. He hadn't heard Matt joke in long time. He was amazed he hadn't seen the change in Matt sooner. He hardly ever joked or laughed, and when he did it had sounded slightly forced now that he thought about it. Also Matt had seriously lost weight.  
  
Matt had always looked scrawny, but now he was thin to the point of looking sick. His ribs were sticking out and Tai was willing to bet Hikari could wrap her fingers around Matt's wrists.  
  
Tai knew why he hadn't seen it sooner. He hadn't wanted to. He hadn't wanted to see that there was something wrong with the boy he was in love with. He vowed never to make that same mistake with anyone ever again.  
  
Tai sat back down on the couch too lazy to go and get dressed. It could wait a while longer. There were a few more minutes of silence besides the strains of music that floated to them occasionally.  
  
"You were wrong about nobody caring about you," Tai said to Matt, turning his head to see if he would react at all to the statement. Matt stiffened in his spot and without moving otherwise slid his eyes to look at Tai.  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked after a minute.  
  
"You were wrong," Tai said simply. Then he continued when he sensed Matt's hostility towards the subject. "Everyone at school yesterday was worried about where you were. Especially the rest of the digidestined."  
  
"So they wondered where I was, what's your point?"  
  
"They wondered if you were all right. And your mom cares about you too. You saw her trying to hide her tears last night didn't you?"  
  
"No," Matt lied. He had seen. He just didn't want to admit that he knew she cared somewhat about him. "Besides, what does it really matter. Even my father barely gives a damn about me."  
  
So the truth came out, Tai thought to himself. That's why Matt couldn't believe anyone could care.  
  
"He cares about you Matt. You didn't see how worried he looked when I told him what you had done. He just doesn't know how to show it and he's an idiot. He should have known that he needed to stay here with you today and show you his support."  
  
Matt nodded, but he didn't say anything. He felt that if he said even one word he would start crying again.  
  
"Come on and get dressed. I'll take you out for some ice cream." 


	7. Fleeting Thoughts

Part 8  
  
Matt sat at home feeling sort of content. Not happy, but not as empty as he had been feeling the past months. Tai had gone home a few hours ago because his dad had gotten back, and was working in his bedroom.  
  
Matt was slightly sad to see Tai go, he had felt better having someone to talk to. There was no way that he was going to talk to his father. That cold, distant stranger that hadn't even bothered to say anything other then hello before going to hide out in his bedroom. Working, again.  
  
That's all his father did. Didn't he realize that his son who had just tried to kill himself might want to know that his father was there for him? Even if he wasn't going to talk to him, it would be nice to know that he could if he wanted to.  
  
Matt caught the track that his thoughts were going in and stopped himself. He didn't want to get anymore depressed then he already was. Instead he let his thoughts flow to that afternoon.  
  
He and Tai had walked through the park talking after Tai had bought the ice cream. Tai had gotten pistachio mint, which had completely grossed out Matt. Matt had then decided to opt for a vanilla, plain old, not incredibly nasty, vanilla.  
  
They hadn't talked about anything of significance, Tai had sensed that Matt didn't want to talk about it when someone else might hear.  
  
Matt had really enjoyed the afternoon. It had seemed like he was sort of climbing out of the deep hole he had inside of him. But now, something was different, and it had started to rain.  
  
It wasn't really raining, outside the sun was shining brightly, but inside of him the pattering rain was making the side of the whole slick, and he was slipping back down.  
  
With a sigh Matt put the TV on and tried to focus on it, trying to ignore the feeling that he would never get out of the hole.  
  
Mr. Ishida looked up when he heard the TV come to life in the living room. He wanted to go and talk to his son, but he didn't know what to say. He didn't want to accidentally say the wrong thing and make his son slip even deeper into his depression.  
  
When Mr. Ishida came out from his bedroom things were awkward between them until Mr. Ishida tried to cook their dinner. Matt was rolling on the ground in laughter when he saw his father beating out the flames over the stove.  
  
They decided to grab burgers and McDonald's after that. As they were eating and watching the other customers interact Mr. Ishida decided that he wanted to talk to Matt about something, right then.  
  
"Matt, I've been thinking about what you did last night, and I don't think that I can give you the help you need. So I called a psychiatrist this afternoon and arranged," he said even though Matt wasn't looking at him.  
  
When Matt first heard his father's words he stiffened and then as he went on Matt turned to him, giving him the evil eye.   
  
"Dad," Matt interrupted, seething with anger. His father was talking to him about this in a fast food restaurant of all places and he had already arranged a meeting for him? He couldn't believe the gall of his father.  
  
"I don't need any help, not from you and not from some stranger."  
  
"Yamato, you tried to kill yourself. You need all the help you can get."  
  
"Shut up!" Matt snapped, aware that people were over hearing the argument. "You don't call me that. The very few people that do care about me call me that, not you. And I can get the help on my own."  
  
"I'm your father, of course I care about you. You need professional help Yamato."  
  
"No I don't," Matt said in a voice so cold it sent chills down his father's spine. With that he ran out of the restaurant. His father threw the rest of his burger onto the tray and sat back with a sigh. He wished he knew what to say to Matt. 


	8. Fleeting Thoughts

Part 9  
  
Matt was half running when he left the fast food joint but he slowed to a walk when he was a few streets away. He jammed his hands into his pockets and he trudged down the street.  
  
His burning anger for his father almost seemed like a solid object lodged into his chest, making it hard for him to breathe. Matt looked up to find that he didn't really know where he was  
  
Matt turned down a few more streets before recognizing the neighborhood. He wasn't that happy to find himself so close to Tai's house. The lump in his chest had made it's way into his throat and if he had to say a word to anybody he knew he would start crying.  
  
He saw movement in at one of the windows at Tai's house and started heading in the other direction. Breaking into a run when he heard a door open. He could feel a piercing stare on his back and wasn't surprised when a voice rang out.  
  
"Matt! Matt!" Tai yelled loudly as he saw the blond boy running down the street, away from him. With a second thought he ran after him, not even shutting the door.  
  
Tai could run quite fast, and generally he could beat Matt in a foot race any day but it was almost three blocks when Tai caught up to Matt and they were in the park.  
  
Matt had only stopped running because he had gotten a stitch in his side. He clutched his side and gasped for breath as he leaned back against a tree. Tai took in a few deep breaths himself as he braced himself against the same tree, but with only his arm, not his back.  
  
"Why'd you run?" Tai demanded when he could speak properly. Matt shook his head, still not able to get enough breath to talk. He held up his hand to get Tai to wait a minute.   
  
Tai stood impatiently, shifting his weight from side to side. If Matt was having problems again he wanted to get the boy to talk and deal with it before doing something drastic, like attempting suicide again.  
  
"I just didn't want to talk," Matt told him in a choked voice. After a second he saw why the sapphire blue eyes had been avoiding his. They were full of tears.  
  
"What happened?" he asked in a softer tone.  
  
"I got into a fight with my dad. Don't worry about it, it's nothing," Matt managed to say around the blockage in his throat.  
  
"It wasn't nothing if it hurt you Matt," Tai said. "What was the fight with your dad about?"  
  
Matt looked away from Tai as tears started streaming down his face.  
  
"My dad just doesn't like me. He doesn't want to talk to me, he's gotten to the point where he going to hire a stranger to talk to me for him."  
  
'Stupid, stupid STUPID!' Matt yelled at himself. It was stupid to get so worked up over it. What did it matter to him anyway, he didn't want to talk with his dad.  
  
"Matt, it's all right. Your dad just doesn't know how to talk to you. But he still wants to help you."  
  
Matt was surprised at how insightful Tai sounded. He never acted as if he could be so deep. Matt nodded, showing Tai he had heard, but his tears started coming at a faster and faster pace and soon he was sobbing. Tai understood and held him. 


	9. Fleeting Thoughts

Part 10  
  
Tai led the sobbing blond into his house, once again on the premises of ice cream. It cured everything. Ice cream in the summer, hot chocolate in the winter.  
Once again he didn't shut the door. The first time he had been distracted by Matt's fleeing form, but this time, well, he couldn't believe his eyes.  
The house was ransacked. The normally immaculately clean house looked like Tai's bedroom, when Kari was away.  
Wait a second, hadn't she been home? His mom too.  
"Mom!" Tai yelled as he left Matt's side. Matt quickly followed him, his tears forgotten in his utter and pure shock.  
The boys ran into the kitchen where they skidded to a stop horrified at the sight that greeted their eyes.  
"Mrs. Yagami!" Matt said holding Tai upright. If it hadn't been for Matt Tai would have been on his knees.  
Tai's mother was lying on the floor looking rather pale as she glared up at the man towering above her. Her hands were pressed firmly to her side but the boys could still see the blood that had seeped from under her fingertips and pooled around her.  
The man's attention was no longer on Mrs. Yagami, although it appeared he had been about to finish his job with her.  
He lifted his gun from where it had been trained on her forehead and leveled it at the boys.  
"What do you want?" Matt demanded. Tai's throat was too tight with anger to allow him to yell the obscenities ricocheting around in his head at the man. It was probably for the best though because it's never wise to make fun of a man with a gun.  
Th man opened his mouth to answer but forgot all about it as something squeaked. The four of them all looked at to see a frightened Mimi.  
The man's finger tightened convulsively and the loud gunshot cracked through the house. Now Mimi really screamed, at such a frequency and decibel it made the man wince.  
Tai saw that the man was distracted and pulled himself from Matt's grip and rushed the man, tackling him around his stomach. It was only Tai's momentum that brought them crashing to the floor.  
The gun fired once before flying from the man's hand as it sprung open in reflex as it was slammed on the floor. Matt hurriedly grabbed the gun and pointed it straight at the man.  
"Tai, get off him," Matt said in a soft tone that chilled Tai. He had never heard anyone ever use that tone and he hoped to never again. Matt looked more angry then Tai had ever seen him.  
Matt was mad at the man for both hurting Mimi and Tai's mother but Tai as well. He knew Tai would be beating himself up over this for te next few weeks. Matt felt the same sort of protectiveness for Tai that he did TK.   
"What do we do now?" Tai whispered as he went to stand just behind Matt.  
"Call the police," Matt told him. Tai nodded and headed to the phone.  
Mimi was crying from the pain in her arm, where the bullet had lodged its self but she grabbed a dish towel and moved Mrs. Yagami's hands. Mimi pressed the towel to the wound and was faintly relieved to see the woman grimace in pain. It looked like she still had some kick left it her.  
"Don't move!" Matt yelled suddenly, startling the women, as the man made as if to sit up. He was in a sort of crouching position and looked as if he was debating whether or not to pay any attention to Matt. "Lie on the floor," Matt's harsh voice demanded.  
The man smiled suddenly, as if to say "you wouldn't hurt me" and jumped up and raced for the back door.  
A final shot rang out as Matt pulled the trigger. There was a thud of the man's body hitting the floor but then there was silence. The silence filled the room, with no one moving until sirens were heard in the distance. 


	10. Epilouge

Epilogue   
  
Matt saw with Tai in the park, neither of them saying a word. Both had changed so much in the past few days, so much had happened. They sat quietly reflecting, wondering whether the changes were for the better, and the whole cause and effect in the scheme of life.  
  
Currently going on in Tai's mind was what he considered the best change of all. He and Matt were going out. After everything had calmed down and the police had left Tai's house Matt had asked Tai. Simple as that, seeming to be almost without thought, he had said the words so easily.  
  
Tai was still thunderstruck about it. He never would have been able to say it so calmly. He hadn't even admitted his feelings until Matt had tried to kill himself. It had been the worst thing Tai could have imagined, Matt cutting himself like that, but there wasn't a chance they would have hooked up.  
  
Of course Tai and Matt weren't the only ones that had hooked up, Mimi and Sora were now going out. Sora had heard Mimi had been shot and was in the hospital and rushed to see her. Once at the hospital Sora had found her self unable to stop the words from flowing out of her, she had babbled on for a while about how much she loved Mimi and couldn't bear the thought of losing her. Sora had only quit talking when Mimi had sat up and cut off the flow of words with a kiss.  
  
Matt's thoughts were on different matters, like how people were treating him now. It didn't really bother him, it more of amused him. People would shy away from him in the halls of school or bound towards him demanding a play by play of the drama that had unfolded in the Yagami house. As if it were a football game, that's what really made him laugh.  
  
Matt's dad had a different reaction though, he had become even more worried about the mental stability of his son. Matt frowned at the thought, but for the time being he had convinced his father that he was fine without a doctor.  
  
His dad had argued a bit, saying he was a suicidal teenager that had just killed a man. Matt couldn't help himself from laughing at that. His counter argument was that he wanted to live now, he was getting through his depression with help from Tai and since when did killing the man that had injured his friend and another friend's mother mean he had to go crazy.   
  
He was just relieved that while Mrs. Yagami had a week's worth of stay in the hospital she was fine. Mimi was already shopping again, something told Matt that as long as Mimi had that to hold onto she would still be kicking.  
  
With that last thought in mind Matt turned to Tai. Matt had something to hold onto now, so he gently grasped Tai's hand and kissed him deeply, knowing that this new feeling inside of him was blooming into love, it was not a fleeting thought. 


End file.
